Fezzes, bow ties and Hogwarts are cool!
by Holmes1216
Summary: A crashed TARDIS and a weird group of people turn up at Hogwarts. What happens when The Doctor become DADA teacher? Jammie dodgers and a cup of tea please. This is gonna be one hell of a year! DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything!
1. Chapter 1

Harry was bored. Until a weird guy and a pretty redhead showed up. Life was about to take an interesting turn for Hogwarts...

Doctor

''AHHHHH! Damn! That's defiantly not meant to happen!'' said the guy in the bowtie, spinning around the console. He slipped. ''AMY! RORY! GET UP HERE NOW!'' he screamed. A redhead and 'big nose' as he was lovingly nicknamed came rushing down the stairs.

''Doctor. What's wrong?'' asked 'Rory' sliding around.

''Right. So ya know those Zygons shot us. Well we might be going to crash...a bit.'' The 'Doctor' (Bow tie guy) said smiling like a toddler. The redhead glowered ( Amy. Duh).

''What d'you mean when you say crash?'' she said dangerously. He grinned. She grabbed the railing. The ship lurched and they all held on for dear life. Then something exploded and The Doctor winced and jumped over to the damaged part shouting

''Come on old girl! For me?'' he asked hammering buttons and flipping levers like there was no tomorrow. Then the ship lurched again and he lost his footing, just before something exploded in his face. He collapsed, body crumpling. A bright gold light started curling itself around him. Suddenly a blond women with very curly hair appeared out of nowhere.

''Sweetie?'' she said when she saw his limp frame. Amy bit her lip. Rory was the only one who had noticed that the TARDIS had landed.

''Er guys? We've landed.'' he said. The women (River. Well Duh!) and Amy shared worried glances.

''Ok. He needs a bed and the TARDIS needs to fix. So we'll just have to go out.'' she said. Amy nodded and helped hoist The Doctor into their arms. They cautiously opened the doors. Amy gasped. ''Somehow we've ended up at Hogwarts.'' said River, open mouthed. They went up to the famous doors and knocked.

Albus

Albus Dumbledore open the door to find four people. Grimy and worried. The fourth was a man in his twenties who was dressed in a tweed jacket, a pinstriped shirt, brown boots and trousers and a red bow tie. All of which were very scorched. This man was in his friends arms, pale and comatose. Dumbledore gasped at them. ''How did you get in?'' he asked. A women in her forties wearing a stetson and a denim jacket rolled her eyes

''Long story.''. He smiled.

''Well you'd better come in then.'' he said. He ushered them to the hospital wing where they laid the man on a bed. In the middle of there story he convulsed and breathed out slowly emitting a gold vapor. He shuddered and collapsed back onto the bed. The women 'River Song' rushed to him and took his pulse. 'Amy' looked at her. She smiled

''He's coming to''. The man suddenly opened his eyes and gasped. He shook his head like a dog and looked around him confusedly.

''River?'' he asked. She smiled and hugged him

''Hello sweetie'' she said. He snickered. He looked at Dumbledore and leapt out of bed. He looked at Amy and said something very strange

''Amy, have you got a cricket bat?''. She smiled and shook her head apologetically.

''Then I suppose this will have to do...' he smirked as he whipped the stetson of his friends curly head. She growled, pulled out a gun of some sort and shot it strait off his head. He didn't flinch. ''Poor hat''

''It had it coming...'' she quipped, spinning the gun on her finger and holstering it. The guy rolled his eyes

''Show off!'' he grumbled. She narrowed her eyes and he took a step back. Albus chuckled. These two really were amusing.

''Maybe if Miss Pond could continue her story...'' he said smiling. 'The Doctor' perched himself on the edge of his bed and listened. Albus noticed how his eyes darkened at the mention of his background

''Pond...'' he said warningly. Albus watched him intently. Fascinated by him. He contradicted everything. His face was young but his dark green eyes said they had seen far to many things. His dress sense was absurd and that of a muggle but he seemed to know so much about wizards he thumb wrestled with River when ever the subject came up. Then a black haired man in billowing black robes entered.

''Headmaster how did these muggles get into Hogwarts?'' he asked coldly. Amy rolled her eyes and the Doctor didn't pause his thumb battling with River.

''These are my friends, Severus. Amy, Rory, River Song and The Doctor. They are soon to take up some of the staff positions.'' Albus said dryly.

''Doctor how would you like Defense against the Dark Arts? River, History of Magic. Amy you can help Severus with potions and Rory can teach Herbology with professor Sprout.'' he completed.

The Doctor nodded ''OK''.

Amy nodded smiling

River smirked ''This will be fun...'' The look that The Doctor shot her was very dark indeed. She giggled ''You, sweetie are far to possessive.'' she said.

Albus was confused. Sweetie? The Doctor looked at him and mouthed 'Another very long story'. He nodded.

Severus was fuming. He turned on his heel and fled the room. He heard an ''Ooohhh!'' from his Scottish assistant.

''Well Doctor you have arrived just arrived in time for the feast. I believe the sorting has just finished.'' he said soundly.

Harry

Ron's stomach growled. ''Shut up Ron!'' whispered Hermione. The Headmaster hadn't appeared yet and there were five empty seats at the staff table. About half way through the feast they entered. First Dumbledore in all of his beardy glory. Next a new man with a boyish grin, the most ridiculous clothing anyone had ever seen and the floppiest hair. Ever. Then a women with very curly hair and a gun. Then a redhead in a very stylish leather jacket and last a guy in a checked shirt and jeans with a massive nose. All were covered in scorch marks but none more so than ''Floppy hair' at the front who, incidentally looked like something had just blown up in his face.

''That must be the new staff!'' said Hermione excitedly. Harry rolled his eyes

''Are you gonna have another huge crush on the Defense?'' asked Ron quietly. The whole hall had gone still. People were staring at the newcomers and a few girls were trying to catch 'The Hair's ' eye. God. Not again.

''Welcome to Hogwarts newcomers and to oldies. Welcome back. Eat.'' said Dumbledore as he sat in the headmasters chair. Harry watched in amazement as 'The Hair' started talking animatedly to Snape. _Snape!_ Maybe the new staff weren't as good as thought. Hmm.

The feast ended and Dumbledore stood up and had to hush Snape's conversation with the new guy. Twice. Snape smirked and the new guy smiled sheepishly earning several 'Ah's'' from the girls. ''Sorry for me and the new staff being late. We had some issues to cover. I would like you to meet Professor Amy Pond, Professor Rory Pond, Professor River Song and The Doctor who is also a professor but prefers to be known as this. Professor Amy Pond will be taking Potions with Professor Snape, Professor Rory Pond will be taking Herbology with Professor Sprout, Professor Song will be taking History of magic and The Doctor will be taking Defense against the dark arts. I would like to notify students that they are not permitted to enter the Forbidden Forest. And a certain Weasley brothers would do well to remember that. Enough with these notices. Pip pip.'' he said happily. Harry stared at The Doctor who had quickly resumed his discussion with Snape. Weirdo.

Professor Pond caught up with them and excused The Doctor. He looked annoyed but brightened up when Professor Song came up to him. He talked to them and then raced of dodging between students with the girls hot on his heels. We watched in amazement as our brand new teacher smirked at Song and slid down the banister playing the air guitar. Song laughed and chased him back upstairs where they disappeared around the corner. Pond shook her head, rolled her eyes and ran after them.

''He looks fun'' said Ron as he rushed back downstairs holding a fez. He turned and smirked at Song as he put on the fez. She smiled brightly and shot it of his head. He looked mildly annoyed and just ran down another corridor.

Hermione smiled ''Yeah.'' she said dreamily.

''Ewwwww!'' we said.

The next morning

Harry went to breakfast early with Hermione and Ron to find their new teacher sitting on the staff table showing Mcgonagall and Snape how to wire a watch to grade exam papers. He watched as Snape smiled at him and asked

''But how does the spring mechanism react to the Sonic?''. Harry had never seen a weirder sight. Snape being nice to a teacher. The Doctor smirked and took out the spring and pointed bits out and started talking so quickly Harry didn't understand most of what he was saying.

''Well...Youtakethethingybobandfixitt ohespringandtwistuntilyouhea ritping'' he said in super speed. Snape nodded and Mcgonagall shook her head and came over to them

''Hello. I suppose you need a table?'' she said warmly. Whoa. This was way too odd. Mcgoogles was being nice?

''Erm Professor. What do you think of The Doctor?'' asked Hermione timidly. Mcgonagall smiled at her

''Well he acts like a five year old but he is a marvelous teacher. Never have I known a stranger man.'' she said kindly, glancing to see him giggling like an idiot while he made the spring grow legs and tap dance. Just then a loud Scottish voice boomed from the entrance and we turned to see the to Ponds enter. The ginger was shouting ''Oi! Doctor! Leave that poor man alone and get your teaching butt over here!''. He grumbled and went over. They talked for five minutes until he sat back on the table. This time teaching Dumbledore. _Dumbledore! _Then Professor Song waltzed in

''Hello Sweetie''. He smirked and raised an eyebrow at her. ''What? Am I embarrassing you sweetie?'' she said sweetly (no pun intended). He narrowed his eyes at her and grumbled. Sweetie? This was just getting weirder.

''Not at all. Morning honey.'' he said sarcastically. She smirked and pointed her gun at his new fez. He clutched it and hopped from the desk. ''You wouldn't' he said.

''Oh sweetie you know me.'' she said eyes narrow. He looked annoyed and tossed it into the air. She shot it and bits of fez rained upon them (No pun intended). He smiled at her then went back to tinkering with Dumbledore's watch.

''There! All done.'' he said happily, handing the watch back. Dumbledore smiled and took his seat. The Doctor winked at Song and pulled another fez from his pockets (bigger on the inside). She groaned and sat next to him. He smirked at her and plonked it onto his mop of unruly hair.

''God. You two are such children!'' said Ginger Pond. The Doctor just smiled boyishly at her and fiddled with his bow tie.

Dumbledore just smiled happily at the pair as they chased each other around the hall making rocket noises.

Well this year will defiantly be interesting


	2. Chapter 2

They walked into Potions expecting to find Sour Grape Snape and an annoying Scottish lady. Instead they found this Scottish lady sitting on the desk and listening to music. The potions master stalked into the room.

''Professor Pond.''

''Sour Grape.'' The students gasped but to everyone's utter astonishment. Snape laughed. _He really laughed. _Weird. Professor Pond slid of Snape's desk and onto hers where she started putting random ingredient's into her cauldron. Double weird.

''Well it's certainly new.'' muttered Hermione sticking her hand into the air.

''Yes Miss Granger?'' pond asked.

''Er...I don't mean to be rude but...D'you know what you're doing?'' she asked timidly. Pond laughed

''Not a clue. But I am experimenting. Which incidentally is what we want you to do today. Chop chop.'' she said happily as something exploded.

The class set to work immediately. Goyle got ten points from Slytherin for laughing at Ron. Malfoy got detention for calling Hermione a Mudblood.

''You m'boy will regret that'' she snarled. Hermione hi-fived her.

Harry's potion suddenly glowed gold.

''Hmm. Well that looks very good Potter'' she commented. Harrys jaw hit the floor (no pun intended). He stared up at her. She smiled and chucked him something. It was a honeydukes chocolate bar. _Shhhh! Share with Ron and Hermione PS don't tell Sour Grape! _Was the scribbled message. She winked at him and walked away.

''Oh I like her!'' whispered Ron as he saw the bar.

They walked into History of Magic to find Professor Song waiting for them while tearing pages out of books.

''Erm Professor...What are you doing?'' asked Harry. She looked up and smiled knowingly

''Spoilers'' she looked through a blue book with a paneled cover. ''Hmm. Ok so that one and that one'' she said quietly pointing at something.

The lesson passed quickly and just as the Professor was reaching the end of the goblin battle The Doctor walked in

''River. Hat. Gimme. Now!'' he said holding out his hand and glaring. The class chuckled. Song just smiled annoyingly and said happily

''I burned them'' The Doctors eyes widened. He winced and said

''Ha ha! I have bigger on the inside pockets!''

''To bad you left that jacket in the TARDIS'' she said smugly. He growled and left leaving the class in fits of laughter.

''OK...That was odd. Whats the TARDIS?'' muttered Ron.

''I don't know. Maybe...'' whispered Hermione going off on a long rant about gadgets. Lets just say that we didn't last long before...

''HERMIONE! SHUT UP!''

Albus

The new Professor was sitting on his desk and waving around a chrome green ended wand 'A sonic screwdriver'. He wore a childish glee when something happened e.g one of the paintings growing bat wings.

''My dear sir!'' he said. The Doctor smiled boyishly and fixed it.

''Sorry Edward.'' he said grinning. The portrait couldn't help but smile kindly at the absurd boy.

''Quite alright my dear boy.'' he said. The Doctor plonked a fez on his head and used the sonic to make it float. He giggled as it performed gymnastics. Then to Albus' amazement it started singing an enchanting song. The Doctors face fell. He heard the man mutter

''Dullirium'' before watching as he climbed the stairs to his office and shut the door.

Albus decided to knock.

''Whaaaaat?'' was the grumpy response. He entered. ''Oh Headmaster I'm sorry. I-I- erm.'' said the Doctor, caught in the middle of jumping on his bed and sonicing everything within reach.

''Quite alright Doctor. I can see your busy.'' he said leaving he waited outside the door for a minute before hearing a loud

''DAAAAAMN!'' from the bedroom. He smiled and left. He was at the door before hearing ''Fix the diddly bop to the spring and add the flippy whatsit to the clock thing!''.

This new professor was really very intriguing.

Harry

They walked into the classroom to find The Doctor standing on the desk and chatting to one of the portraits as he messed around with a paint brush. Apparently the painting wanted a mustache.

He spotted the staring class and hopped of the desk. ''Hi'' he said happily. They just stood open mouthed. ''OK...Goldfish have replaced my class?'' he asked. They shut their mouths before beginning to sit down.

''STOP! Today is practical'' he said sweeping all of the desks aside with a flick of his weirdo wand.

He told them to find a partner. ''OK. Malfoy you can go with Potter. Any fights and I bet that you'll get your butt will sure. Oh and i might give you a detention.'' he said, glaring at Malfoy.

Harry smirked. So did The Doctor. God this guy was good.

''I like him.'' said Ron.

''Right. Today we'll be desk hopping.'' he said drawing to desks from the sides of the room

''Desk hopping sir?'' asked Parvati. He nodded and climbed up on one of the desks. The other was about five meters away. He aced it.

''Sir. I don't think that this is relevant'' drawled Malfoy. The Doctor looked at him smirking

''No it's not. But it's very useful when your running away from something. Like you Malfoy.'' Malfoy blushed.

Neville went first. Surprisingly he hopped with ease.

''Nice. Well done Neville.'' said Doctor happily.

Next Harry. He didn't do so well on the landing but he could just about make it.

''Keep practicing. You'll be an ace by next week.'' was the Doctors comment.

The class followed suit, the Slytherin's failing miserably and the Gryffindors hopping over happily.  
At the end of the lesson he left a bucket of candy on his desk with a label _''Help Yourselves!''_

''I like him.'' said Ron, chewing a fizzing wizzbee.

**Doctor.**

He sat with Amy and River at the staff table chatting with Pomona about Snapping Flibs. Amy got bored and decided that they would play tag.

''IT!'' she yelled. Half of Hogwarts jumped. The Doctor jumped up and as she ran around the table he just jumped over it.

''IT! HA!'' he said, tapping her shoulder. He sped off down the aisle. Only to see his wife materialize in front of him. Damn. He looked back to see Amy closing in. Oh well.

They watched in wonder as gold began snaking around him and he disappeared.

''What?'' mumbled River. He materialized in the entrance hall.

''Hello sweetie'' he called. River turned to face him.

''Sweetie?'' she said

''Yes Honey?'' he said sarcastically

''I'd start running...'' she yelled chasing after him. Rory drew his sword and ran after, Amy following soon after.

Albus Dumbledore watched as they chased each other around the grounds. He chuckled as he saw The Doctor fall flat on his face and get strait back up again grumbling that River had tripped him.

If only he knew what was about to happen


	3. Chapter 3

'_'A great white monster fell from the sky in a ball of fire'_ Of course it's complete rubbish but it's a good story.''The Doctor said, reading _Merlin's Diary _while his class ate toffees. Hermione stuck her hand in the air. Again. The young Professor smiled and pointed at her

''Yes Miss Granger?'' he said boyishly, how the hell did he resist Hermione's annoying ability?

''Well sir. Did you just call Merlin a liar?'' she asked doggedly. This idiot clearly had no idea what he was on about.

''No! Merl and me are friends! He was just unable to explain properly.'' replied The Doctor indignantly. Hermione rolled her eyes and said

''How old are you Professor?''

''Bit personal. I'm er...1356 last time I checked.'' he replied. Hermione gaped. As did everyone else.

''What?'' he said confused. They just stared. He continued reading the book but now no-one was listening. The bell rang

''Right. Homework!'' he started. The class groaned

''Is to have a nice weekend.'' he finished. Everyone grinned. This new guy may have been off his rocker but he sure knew how to get people to like him. He met up with Amy outside. She promptly stole his hat and chucked it in the air. River shot it. He groaned and then pulled out a fez from his jacket pocket

''Bigger on the inside. Remember?'' he smirked. The girls groaned.

''Will it really take all day to get rid of your hats?'' moaned River. He smiled

''I'm afraid Dr Song, tis true. Me and my hats are invincible!'' he proclaimed loudly. Harry and Co. were watching the whole scene.

''So sweetie, what are you doing today?'' asked River. He smirked

''Giving Sir Edwardo his mustache.''. River raised her eyebrows but he smiled and rushed off. Then he stopped and looked back

''Tardis key. Gimme!'' . River sighed and held out the key which Amy grabbed. She smirked and ran off. They both rolled their eyes and followed. Harry, Ron and Hermione came out from the shadows.

''Tardis?'' asked Ron. Hermione looked confused. A sight which no one had ever seen before now. Harry merely frowned

''Maybe The Doctor isn't all he seems.'' muttered Hermione.

**Real short chap I know. Plz don't hate me! Review? For me?**


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